There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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