Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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