my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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