he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
