She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
