i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
