its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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