I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
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