Me too!
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
