You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
This baby is an asshole
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
