Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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