i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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