Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
