Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
