Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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