I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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