doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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