how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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