Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
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