i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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