On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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