Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
my shit smells like andre
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
