I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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