Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
