So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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