Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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