Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I think a kid would responsible me up
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
