Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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