it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
