I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
