theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Randomize
