So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Someone came in the potted fern
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
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