Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
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He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
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we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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