just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
