I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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