I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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