Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Randomize
