Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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