o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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