what day is it and did you see me today?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
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