Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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