I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
