Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
