this just has baby written all over it
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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