You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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