I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
