Gayer than 8 guys blowing 9 guys
wow, that really makes you stop and think.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
