my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I miss vodka workout Fridays
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
