Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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