I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
