9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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