you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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