I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
