so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
