What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
My vagina is very pro this idea
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