he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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