Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize
