You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
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