last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Randomize
