i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
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I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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