Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
