I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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