Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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